Introduction: (Scroll down to skip the intro and to see this days entry.)
After deciding to homeschool all three of my children this past year, my organizational and planning skills have been greatly challenged. (Actually, I don’t have those skills.) Things have become loose at the ends and there has been little peace and even less productivity. Schoolwork has been getting done, but lazy habits have become very noticeable as we all live according to the “fly by the seat of our pants” method.
The Lord has been dealing with me on this issue and after this past weekend something shifted in my brain. I know He is giving me the grace to step into a more purposeful and productive lifestyle at home. He has shown me how He wants to make my life like a landing strip for His Glory: free of obstacles and ready to receive what He desires to bring.
This morning, as I was considering the steps I would take to start bringing order to my home, I remembered an interesting journey, my friend, Amy, went on. She called it the 40 Day Giving Challenge. For 40 days she gave obediently as the Lord led and shared her experience each day in a blog article. It was a time of insight and revelation. I realized that I have an opportunity to go on my own 40 Day Challenge to bring a little more structure to my lifestyle. Not only will journaling my daily experience here on this page keep track of progress but it will also help hold me accountable : )
Coming up with a name for this challenge was a challenge in itself. 40 Days of Order sounds terribly boring. So does 40 days of Structure. I almost went with the 40 Day Domestic Engineer Challenge but that didn’t really capture it for me either. Then it hit me, The Proverbs 31 Forty Day Challenge. Now, the Proverbs 31 woman is annoyingly amazing and the reason many women avoid reading that Proverb altogether. However, it is a time to believe for the impossible. I don’t expect my personality to change and to become someone who is organized in every way. But I do expect to embrace the challenge of becoming more disciplined and diligent. Proverbs 31:27 seems to capture the purpose of this challenge for me: “She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.” I’ll start there and see what else God has for these next 40 days.
I encourage you to check out Amy’s blog and 40 Day Challenge at the following link. http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2F40daygivingchallenge.com%2F&h=99f00. Perhaps the Lord has a 40 Day Challenge for you!
DAY THIRTY SIX
What happened? Did I give up? Hmm. I kinda lost track of my challenge. Summer activities are relentless. It’s hard to not feel like you’re being idle when you’re sitting out by the pool watching the kids swim. But that’s not a bad kind of idle. I guess I can look at it in a couple of ways. 1. I’m being a lifeguard – so I am working. 2. I’m spending time with the kids.
So summer has this way of taking your “schedule”, turning it upside down and violently shaking it. This is a good time to know which tasks must remain consistent and to keep that task list going so things don’t begin to pile up.
I have most definitely remained consistent in running hard after God. It has been an amazing journey with Him and whether I am on top of my 40 Day Challenge or not, He most certainly is on task in my life. He has been relentless in breaking off strongholds in my life and bringing Kingdom order. I am blown away by the work He is doing. He is setting me free to love. I can love people like I never have been able to before – fearlessly. Perfect love casts out all fear. That’s what I am experiencing. Who knew that I had religious mindsets about how I should love people. I never noticed before how fear had a tight grip on my heart and kept my expressions of love for people bottled up. But God brought so much love to my heart that I couldn’t stay that way anymore. I really need to blog more about this. I hope to soon. But right now, I am pooped and need to go to bed.
DAY TWENTY NINE
Well, I didn’t get back on track as far as updating every day. One very busy and fuzzy week has caused order in the natural to go flying out the window. BUT! I haven’t lost my peace. I am not stressing about it. I am doing what I can do and so filled with joy and peace like never before. I have had a REALLY busy week of getting kids off to Grandma’s and Teen Intensive, the theLab. I was so exhuasted I slept till 9:44 one day. I never do that! But then, yesterday, I spend HOURS just enjoying peace. Sitting quietly outside thinking about people I love. Enjoying the fact that I am so surrounded by people who love me and though I have learned all throughout my life, to not express love, I am finding that I can’t do that anymore. If I don’t start letting people know that I love them, I am going to explode! This is so crazy, but I love it! haha!
Financially, I have learned a little trick. I went out and bought a bunch of clothes for my daughter because she outgrew everything. I felt the guilt trying to creep up on me for spending a chunk of money. I didn’t let it go there though. However, I realized that it would be better for me to buy a couple of shirts ON SALE as I see them. That way my daughter’s wardrobe can grow with her, I can take advantage of sales, she can pick out things she likes (we had to stick with the simple styles that were less costly and she wasn’t able to get the kind of shirts that she LOVES to wear) and I won’t feel like I’m spending a large amount of money.
Is it possible to keep everything (in the house) in order everyday? I have no idea. If it is, I haven’t figured out how yet. But I know that I am not feeling the guilt and condemnation that I used to. I don’t feel like a failure because my house is a little messy right now. I know I have been super busy, then took advantage of a precious day with the Lord. Today, I am putting a few things back into order and spending more time with the Lord before all my kids come back. I leave to pick two of them up tomorrow.
I know I’m different than when I started this challenge. Being in theLab has really changed my life from the inside out. I am more free than I ever have been and am being blown away by LOVE! God is bringing order in my life by getting rid of every shred of fear and condemnation and filling me with love. Isn’t He awesome!? How can people live without Him?
DAYS TWENTY AND TWENTY ONE
OK already! I want to get back on track and update every day!!! I feel like I am behind and off track a bit – as far as order in the natural. Home is a little messy. We’ve been cleaning it but it is like instantly messy again. We haven’t kept a steady routine. I usually have one week a month during which I can’t seem to keep things straight in my mind or activities. I have IMPROVED greatly in my attitude during those weeks, but routine still suffers. Last week was my off week. This week my parents are in town, my children are going out of town and everything seems a little topsy turvy!
BUT, I am still steady in my time with the Lord – pressing in, going deep, being transformed. It’s good, very good. But I want to get back on track in the natural.
Transitioning to a summer schedule is also in the mix, so that explains some of the temporary disorder. By the end of the week, all three of my children will be away for almost a whole week. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS!!! This hasn’t happened it YEARS!!! Wow! Almost a whole week without my kids! That means I will have to do all the dishes myself! LOL! But wow, I want to be praying about how the Lord wants me to use my/His time during this coming week.
I’m still keeping in mind Phil 4 – Do not be anxious about anything. That is really speaking to me lately. I want it to sink in deep.
Well, that’s all for now.
DAYS SIXTEEN THRU NINETEEN
Well, being behind on my updates goes to show I haven’t quite got a routine nailed down yet. I still fly by the seat of my pants to some degree. I am really happy that I have not fallen into being idle but have maintained a steady connection with the Lord. Actually, it’s getting hard for me to imagine living life any other way. I spend time with Him continuously. I find myself spontaneously worshipping or praying in the Spirit. He is increasing in my life more and more. In fact, I can say with total honesty and conviction that I am DIFFERENT today than I was yesterday. The Lord is bringing order in my life like I’ve never known it before.
That statement that I highlighted in my last post totally goes along with the message I heard from Pastor John Kilpatrick last night at the Detroit Bay of the Holy Spirit Revival. He spoke about the atmosphere and how it creates and climate and the climate creates a culture. How cool is that!
I have had the chance, several times, to practice surrendering and submitting to the Lord when dealing with the behavior of the kids. It is making a difference. Less yelling, more peace. I really want to step into that place of not being anxious a little more quickly. But I am recognizing it before I allow my mouth to get away from me. Progress.
Thanks, Lord! For all you are doing in my life. Thank You for causing Your Word to be alive in me and evidence of Your Spirit and freedom in my life. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom, indeed!
SIDE NOTE
When I started this 40 Day Challenge, I kinda thought I knew what I was going to do. But as a few days went by, I realized that I had no idea what I was doing. I felt really silly and wondered if I should just stop. I was tempted to feel like a failure a couple of times but the Lord wouldn’t let me give up. But now, I am much more clear on what is happening in this 40 Day Challenge. I am learning not to be idle, but to be wise with my time. I am learning to maintain focus (not get distracted) – focusing on pursuing God’s purpose for my life as well as my family – the bigger picture – y’know, the one in which the day to day stuff doesn’t run your life. And, most importantly, allowing God to bring order to my innermost parts.
It’s really cool because God is speaking to me about surrendering to and trusting Him. I started this Challenge thinking I knew what I needed to do – but quickly found that I am not leading this journey . . . Papa is. There is only one way to travel and it is through surrender and trust. He’s SO GOOD! I love Him SO MUCH!
How cool! I just found this statement from one of the first few days of the journey! Looks like I am right on track! Thanks Holy Spirit! You Rock! ”My goal is to maintain an atmosphere and create a culture in my home of peace, focus and diligence.”
DAY FIFTEEN
Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present you requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Today I heard the Lord telling me to trust Him and to NOT BE ANXIOUS.
I do get anxious about my kids’ behavior. I hear the Lord saying, “Lean on Me and let Me work through you. Trust me.”
One of the reasons I would get anxious is because I thought I had to control their behavior. Even though I knew that was wrong, I still thought that way and reacted accordingly. Fear and frustration would come busting out of me like a big ol’ monster. But now that lies have been exposed in my life and I have broken agreement with them, AND I have been healed from past wounds, I don’t have to be controlled by that anymore. I can trust God to work in my kids and I can respond to them His way, honoring Him and my kids. Fear and frustration always caused me to sin against my kids and God. I’m so glad that is over with now.
Fear and frustration would cause me to grasp for understanding and solutions within my own limited brain according to my jilted perspective. That never came out well. But as I surrender, I can step into that peace that transcends MY understanding (even if I don’t feel it right away – I step in by faith, expecting to meet my Prince of Peace there). There, in that place of peace and surrender, I gain the Lord’s perspective and find direction from the Father’s heart concerning HIS children.
I happened to receive some unexpected revelation from a really fun lady I had the privilege of working with today. She wasn’t trying to give any advice or anything, she just made a comment and my eyes opened up to greater understanding! She just mentioned that she has 6 kids and all of them are leaders. She said that it was a challenge to raise a household of leaders. When she said that, I suddenly saw the struggles that I have with my kids in a whole different way. They aren’t being rebellious as I keep feeling like they are, they young leaders trying to lead. That really helps with the idea of rejoicing over my kids that I mentioned a few days ago.
In Philippians, we are instructed to pray, petition, BE THANKFUL and present our requests to God. When I was reading that earlier today, I admitted to the Lord that I felt pride rise up and bristle when I read the “be thankful” part. How could I be thankful when my kids are challenging me the way they do. But now, with this new revelation, instead of seeing them as a rebellious, uncaring brood, I see the potential of leadership in them. This does not mean I allow them to be disrespectful, but I can manage the situation without getting offended and angry.
The Lord has healed and delivered me from some nasty lies and I can really see the fruit. It doesn’t mean everything is easy, but I am no longer a slave to my woundedness. I am so thankful for the order God is bringing in every area of my life.
Speaking of order, today I sewed 15 prayer coverings, a veil and half of a billow. I was really pleased with myself because I got bored while making the 15 prayer coverings and wanted to put off the rest for another time. But I sensed the Lord saying, “be diligent, don’t quit” and I kept going till the job was done. Yay God! Usually, I would give in to my lazy flesh, but not this time! The kids cleaned the house like I asked and my hubby made dinner. We made a good team today : )
DAY FOURTEEN
Well, things started wonderfully but ended rough. We had to do some catching up around the house. No one really seemed to take me seriously when I said I wanted the house to get clean today. But there lies my problem. I was vague in what I wanted done. No one had clear direction so they didn’t do anything. I need to make the boundary lines very clear. Right now, they do things if they are told . . . and even then, I have to make sure they KNOW I am serious and I want it done. Otherwise, they may forget or just not get it. Maybe that’s normal, but it doesn’t work in maintaining order or peace.
Over the weekend, I experienced a deliverance experience. I recieved revelation about many lies I had believed. I also received healing from deep wounds that invited these lies in. I feel like I am in a process of walking that out and practicing applying truth to my life where I used to live according to the lies. When I feel frustrated, I am able to surrender to the Lord and listen for His direction rather than barreling forward in my flesh. It will take a bit of time but I am determined. There’s nothing I can’t do with God’s help. He is my strength. He is even more determined than I am desires truth in my innermost parts even more than I do, so together, we can make this happen! Actually, my part is simply to surrender and obey. He will do the rest. I will trust Him.
As far as Phil 4 goes. I am still working on the “rejoicing” and “being gentle.” After my experience this weekend, I know the Lord IS NEAR.
DAYS ELEVEN, TWELVE and THIRTEEN
I’ve spent the last three days in theLab internship. I wasn’t home much but I need to make sure we don’t get off track with keeping the house in order. It’s important to plan so when you must be busy with some things, you are not falling behind in others. I am not meticulous in these things but I don’t want to leave room for myself to become overwhelmed.
As for the three days in theLab internship, I have received radical deliverance this weekend and physical healing. God exposed deception in my life that I have walked in agreement with for many years. I’ve broken agreement with those things and am receiving more and more revelation and freedom.
One area I have been seeking peace and order in is parenting. The Lord revealed to me tonight that I have agreed with the enemy that I am not a good parent. I have doubted myself and lived in fear that my children will not be able to live in the Love and Truth of the Lord because of my failures as a parent. God says “Enough!” It is my agreement with the enemy that feeds the feeling of failure and keeps in bondage and unable to parent in peace and love. This is HUGE. I’m telling you, God is serious about this order thing in my life. He is bringing my thoughts into alignment with His so there can be order and peace.
I have more to say but I think I’ll try to share them in a post of their own.
DAY TEN
This post is going to be short and simple because the Lord is simplifying this more and more for me. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Today ended with an amazing meeting at theLab – the internship I am in for the summer. I feel extremely privileged and blessed to be part of this. Without going into all the details, the Lord totally spoke several words over me through my Lab family – all confirming things He has been speaking to me. I am blessed and feeling like my Papa just declared a bunch of positive things over me, just like He has been showing me to do with my kids. I am saturated in God’s truth of who I am to Him and I just want to let that sink in.
As far as these things I have been dealing with – “my issues” – suddenly, they don’t seem so difficult. God knows they are there, He’s working in me concerning these things, but they are not His focus. I am His focus, not my issues. Thanks, Jesus. He’s teaching me not to look at the negative but to find the things to rejoice about because that’s what He does.
So what happens when I have to deal with situations (often with my kids) and frustration wants to rise up? How do I keep order? Step into surrender. Set my eyes on the Kingdom and rejoice with Jesus. Possible? Of course it is, all things are possible with God. Not to mention, no matter how many issues there are, there’s still so much more to rejoice about than we can even fathom.
DAY NINE
Spent the day filling up a ginormous pool in our backyard. It’s still not full yet! Anyway, I was tired from being out in the 95 degree weather all day and didn’t write my post. So it’s the morning of Day Ten as I write Day Nine.
My focus is on Phil 4:4-5. Specifically, rejoicing in the Lord and being gentle for the Lord is near. There are specific issues the Lord is highlighting in me that He wants to deal with. Things that have consistently caused me to lose my peace. I still have some control issues. It all works together with the fear of failure thing as well as striving and trying to do things in my own strength. I also realized that I still struggle coming to the Lord when I know I’ve blown it. Again, trying to do things in my own strength, control and not being able to fail, all working together to steal my peace.
In Phil. 4:2-3, Paul urges two women to agree with one another in the Lord and even urges others to help them. Then he tells them all to rejoice in the Lord always and even repeats it! Then, let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.
Recently, the Lord spoke to my heart concerning rejoicing or celebrating others, specifically, family members. I can see Paul urging the ladies to find agreement in the Lord and rejoice together. Rather than focusing on the insignificant differences they are having and letting it form a negative perspective toward one another, focus on the things that can be celebrated and rejoice over one another!
The Lord is doing this in me with my children. It has been a long year of homeschooling and I feel drained and exhausted, especially as I deal with some nagging issues and bad habits in my children; issues and habits that have formed because of guilt or lack of discipline. As the Lord reveals boundaries that I must set in order to deal with these habits and behaviors, He is also revealing treasures in my children. These treasures are eternal and mighty for the Lord’s purposes in their lives and in this world for such a time as this. They are reason for rejoicing in the Lord for He is raising up a generation that will shine His Light in this world and usher in His Kingdom like never before.
Yesterday, as I was dealing with a specific behavior in one of my children, with more firmness and volume than necessary, the Lord revealed more treasure in my child and brought clarity. I was able to chill out just a little, then speak that truth to her. I saw a battle of the wills become a teachable moment. I saw a child frustrated and angry, soften and begin to receive understanding. It’s no longer about this bad behavior, but about who she is in the Lord and how she can begin walking in that truth.
I struggle with letting my gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.” The issues of control and fear of failure drive me to a place of being an angry drill sergeant. I try to change this little person in my own strength instead of trusting God with her heart. But this is a season of surrender. As I surrender, even in the tiniest amount, the Lord meets me with a revelation. The more He shows me, the more I surrender.
Only God can bring order into our hearts and lives in such a way that will cause us to live in peace, not just on the surface, but in the depths of our being. This is how we become carriers of peace.
RECAP
I just added Day Eight, then read through my previous posts to see how this 40 day challenge is coming along. I’m laughing at myself a bit. I really know how to complicate things. I am really hard on myself. I seem to spend time more time picking out what I do wrong than anything else (like I’m doing now, right?)
Day Eight, the day I was sick (today) and incapable of doing much, was my best day . . . because it became more about Jesus than about me. Refreshing.
I think I am going to simplify this journey, yet make it even more challenging. Read Philippians 4:4-9 till it becomes part of my DNA and I am walking it out. Pray in the Spirit as much as possible. Listen more. I still need to maintain order in the house and keep the kids on task. This is an important step in the natural that is vital to this journey. It is developing a discipline in my home that was lacking.
Here is Phil. 4:4-9
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent of praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”
Lord, for the rest of this 40 Day Challenge, I want to do things Your way. I surrender . . . again. If I should feel anxiety or failure or like I am not being productive enough, remind me to look to You, worship, surrender, listen and follow. Otherwise, may I be found rejoicing, praying, thanking You and walking in Your peace. Help me to be more intentional in receiving Your instruction and stewarding it. I believe You initiated this 40 Day challenge, Lord. I believe You have a lot You want to show me. I have heard some of what You have said, but I have busied myself trying to make it all work. Teach me to not be in such a hurry to get everything right. Help me to allow You to work it out in me. I trust You. Help me to really journal what You are doing and the revelation You give.
Here we go. A fresh start.
DAY EIGHT
Started feeling sick last night. Ended up sleeping on the couch cuz I could breathe better in a partially upright position. Woke up feeling pretty awful. Rebuked sickness, prayed, rested. Didn’t do much else.
However, I realized that neither sickness nor fleshly discomfort was going to keep me from maintaining my 40 Day Challenge. So I took this wonderful opportunity to spend more time praying in the Spirit and praying for others. I spent time in the Word and rested with the Lord.
I don’t have to feel fiery to be fiery.
I considered how worshiping the Lord while not feeling well can be considered a sacrifice. But it was a pleasure as I leaned back and loved on Him for a while. I wish I would have lingered longer in that place. His sweetness washes over me and His goodness lifts me up.
Oh that I could really grasp the greatness of His love. I so desire to know every aspect of His love. What do we find when we are lost in His love? Peace, comfort, fire, purity, hope, pleasure, fear/reverence, awe, humility, authority, transformation, fearlessness, wonder, romance, security, compassion, brokenness, sacrifice, obedience, loyalty, goodness beyond comprehension, joy, glory, contentment, hunger, passion, intimacy, vulnerability, safety, faith, trust . . .
I love You, Lord.
DAY SEVEN
Woke up tired today and fighting this nasty little head cold thing that’s going around which I am taking authority over. But I was idle for a while today. I procrastinated on something I was supposed to do and now need to do it tomorrow. BUT, I am not giving up. I did manage to get moving and make dinner, help my hubby put a few wheelbarrows of dirt in our yard as well as yard work in my mother-in-law’s yard. Gee, that’s not bad, considering I also homeschooled the kids and did other daily tasks throughout the day. I think I’m seeing that I’m too hard on myself.
It’s not about how much I can accomplish in a day!!! I keep falling into that!
It’s about order within. A thought life that is in order and aligned with the Lord.
It is most important that my mind remains focused on the Lord and on His Kingdom. If I am not focused on Him, I often find that I am focused on a to do list that quickly becomes a slave driver and master of confusion. If I give my to do list power to drive me, the enemy uses that to his advantage. He has this sneaky ability to take simple tasks and magnify them in your brain so that one task seems like many. Not to give him any glory – I want to expose his tactics so that I won’t continue to fall prey.
What I desire is to be able to live in such a way that I am doing daily tasks but always aware of the Kingdom of God; always sensitive to the heart of God and available to Him as opportunities arise; that everything I do will be in an attitude of worship, whether it’s through thankfulness, praise, sacrifice or suffering. Everything for Him and completely His. I love Him so much and want my life to be an offering to Him in all that I do. I’m not there yet, but I am determined.
Today, the thoughts in my mind were swirling around like busy bees. You gotta do this! You gotta do that! Hurry! Hurry! Whenever that happens, I become idle. I can’t keep up with those bees. They don’t even know what they’re talking about.
I am finding that it really helps me to have a very simple plan each morning with only the things that need to be done that day. It shouldn’t be a huge list of everything I would like to get done that would take a year to do . . . only those few things that need to be done that day. I am usually amazed that I don’t have as many things to do as I thought. This means there is time to do a few of those optional projects, like going through pictures or planting flowers. And I can enjoy them instead of feeling like they are tasks that have to be accomplished or I’ll fall behind in everything else.
Simple planning can keep me from procrastinating so that I am not doing things last-minute, under pressure and less available to be flexible for God’s special plans for that day. Also, since simple planning reveals flex time, should the Lord have something special for me to do that suddenly arises, I will be less likely to find myself wrestling with a to do list that lies.
I used to wake up in a panic, literally, because I felt the weight of the impossible task list as soon as my eyes opened. This totally messed with my time with the Lord. Fear got in the way and my mind was totally cluttered. When I let my to do list rule my day, there’s a lot more to lay aside when I try to spend time with the Lord. The to do list competes for attention.
By simply keeping those few things that need to be done in front of me, my mind is freed up to focus on the Kingdom. And even while I am doing those things, I can keep my focus on the Lord because I don’t have phantom tasks nagging my mind and bringing guilt and condemnation.
So I will continue to work on this during this 40 day journey. It seems my goal list just narrowed a bit.
DAY SIX
As I take steps in the natural to bring order, I see God working in me to establish order in my thoughts. Being intentional in my activities and time management every day has removed clutter from my home and mind. An orderly home safeguards against feelings of guilt and failure.
Yesterday, I mentioned being consistent with the kids. I also see the need for consistency in me. I know that I carry the fire and Presence of God. There is an anointing on my life to break demonic strongholds. It is more obvious in some places than others.
I struggled to enter into worship this morning because of certain thoughts in my mind. My thoughts were out-of-order. My perspective, a little wacked. This restricted my worship. Confusion and some other junk in my mind blocked the flow of the Spirit through me. In many ways, I think according to the Spirit – Kingdom thinking. But I still have some religious stuff in my mind.
As I am writing this, I am thinking of the process of cleaning the hard drive on my computer, then defragmenting it. It’s kind of like that. My mind needs to be cleansed of all the thought patterns that are still based on worldly or religious mindsets. Then there is a defragmenting process where the Lord brings clarity, revelation and order to my understanding. He then can order my steps as He has brought order to my surrendered mind. Yay God! Let it be so!
I really need to repent of some things and bring my mind in submission to God. I have been critical and arrogant about a few things. That can not only stop the flow of the Spirit through someone, but it can cause one to become an obstacle in the Spirit. I need to give up my “want to.” Forget about what I want or don’t want and align my thoughts with what God wants.
The steps of a righteous man are ordered of God. This is the order I desire in my life, therefore I will surrender more and more.
DAY FIVE
Wow! Already five days!
Today was a great day! Spent it at the first official day of theLab internship which was AWESOME!!! That lasted from 9 till 3 (from the time I left home till the time I returned). When I got home, I was filled with excitement and energy. I have a few more responsibilities as a team captain. It’s not huge but I really want to embrace this and squeeze everything out of it that can be – it’s that all or nothing thing again. I also became a mentor today. That is huge. But already the Lord is giving me downloads of how I should manage it.
So as far as order goes, my house is still tidy. In fact, I am being much more intentional with the kids. They didn’t do their chores this morning so I made them come in early and get them done. Usually, I would’ve let it go till tomorrow but I realized that inconsistency encourages procrastination and laziness. They wanted to watch a movie but they kept bickering so I sent them to bed. Usually, I would have threatened and not followed through.
It takes discipline to stay consistent and stand by your words.
The whole fear of failure thing, I handed over to the Lord and am believing He is working that out in me. There’s a striving that I need to watch out for – trying to do things in my own strength. For instance, after theLab, I came home with all these tasks running around in my brain. I felt a bit of anxiety and wanted to make sure I accomplished every task. But I realized that I had been running nonstop for the past four days. It is Saturday, it’s beautiful outside and I should spend a little time with my kids. So I wrote down the tasks that were running around in my brain trying to cause a traffic jam and I sat on the porch and gave thanks to God for all that He is doing.
Being intentional about what I do really seems to make a difference. I am realizing that I have a lot more time than I thought. I am not as pressured as I think I am. I have spent a lot time in the past allowing my emotions to drive me. I would choose what I would do according to how I felt. I spent several years fighting depression so I think that is what triggered that kind of lifestyle. But I was delivered from depression and I have the power (Holy Spirit in me) to do all that God calls me to do.
I do want to work on pacing myself a bit. I really wanted to spend more time with the Lord in my day but haven’t worked that out yet. I am thankfully not idle in my time but I need to become more comfortable with giving myself quiet time with the Lord. If I am not working, I feel like I am not being productive. I should set some definite goals.
- Keep a tidy house by holding children accountable to doing their chores and making good use of spare moments by decluttering (instead of checking email, fb etc).
- Set aside study time to read the Word and be with Jesus more intimately – not just on the run
- Set aside time to work on special tasks like managing stuff for theLab, bills, blogs, flag making.
- Be more prepared with meal planning and even snack planning. Now that I have a busy schedule during part of the week, I’d like to designate snacks for the kids so they are not eating snacks all day and not food!
- OH! I almost forgot! I would like to handle situations with the kids without yelling so much!
Before I started this 40 Day Challenge, I was praying and asking the Lord what I could fast for 40 days. He kept speaking to me about order. I didn’t understand how this could be called fasting but now that I think about it, I realize I am fasting from being idle. That makes sense. Just like Prov. 31:27.
DAY FOUR
Day Four began a little off schedule. We usually start school by 9:30. Today, we didn’t start till 11. I am noticing that I feel a bit out of control. The kids seem to be taking full advantage of a day where the routine has gone slightly awry. Frustration is rising up to my throat at times. Hmmm. That doesn’t sound like peace, and it surely doesn’t feel like peace.
I thought I was a flexible person. But I don’t think so now. It’s back to that all or nothing type personality. If we’re on schedule, we have to be totally on schedule or I feel lost, frustrated and out of control! Help me Jesus! I need to chill out! What is so important that I must do everything perfectly?!!? OK. Well, some self discovery time here I guess. I have no idea how this is going to work out but I am handing it over to Jesus and asking Him to bring order to my understanding. Here you go, Lord. Here’s my junk: fear of failure, control issues and my all or nothing inflexibility. I know You are able to make something wonderful out of all this mess. Help me to embrace Your peace and hold on to You alone.
DAY THREE
Proverbs 31:27, “She watches over the affairs of her household and des not eat the bread of idleness.”
Remembering Prov. 31:27 helped me work through some of the emotional residue hanging on from Day 2. I realized that if my hands were not idle, neither was my mind. As I kept focus and remained on task, the issues in my mind calmed and I was able to work through them more easily. An idle mind tends to imagine things and blow things out of proportion. Imagination fuels emotions such as self-pity and truth takes a back seat.
However, one issue seems to be hanging on a little more tightly for me. The fear of failure and feeling like a failure is a real problem for me. I was dealing with this badly yesterday. Some frustrating things happened that just seem to exasperate the feeling and I threw a few fits. My daughter said something that totally got my attention. “Mom, you keep beating yourself up!” I never thought she would even notice something like that. I figured she would agree with me in my rantings about how I just keep messing things up! But no, she saw something different.
A few minutes later, I realized that I felt pummeled. I was pummeling myself. How crazy is that?!? It wasn’t God throwing down judgment saying “Get it right, girl! For crying out loud!” It wasn’t even the enemy as much as it was just me, holding on to the idea that I had failed at something and deserved punishment.
Now, the Lord has already spoken to me and told me that I was free from accusation. That really helped me but I took it only as accusation from others. Now I need to stop accusing myself!
That was Day 3. Now on to Day 4 to see what this day holds.
DAY TWO
Holy moly. What a colossal disaster. Many things went wrong today – things that require repentance. I will spare you the details but I have learned a couple of things about myself.
I am an “all or nothing” kind of person. I’ve never realized that before. I am either going to put everything into something or nothing at all. Is that a personality type or a character flaw? I’m not sure. But, I do know that as an all or nothing type person, it’s easy to feel like a failure. If I start something and do not succeed or can’t finish it, it becomes a mark against me in my “all or nothing brain”. That’s not healthy.
I also learned that I really don’t know the true meaning of order – or at least God’s definition of order. I may understand the type of order you would find under a drill sergeant’s command but that doesn’t seem to be very helpful here in my home.
Today was a day of productivity. The house is still pretty much in order. Some laundry was done. School was accomplished. Even flowers were planted. But there was a terrible lack of peace. A specific issue needed to be handled but it was not done well. My emotions were off the hook which tells me there are some serious thought patterns and mindsets that need to come into order. I’m still dealing with feelings of failure.
I need a new perspective. A biblical understanding of order. So I need to go to the Word and see what Papa says ‘cuz I surely don’t want a repeat of today.
I must say I am very thankful that I didn’t shut down and blow off the 40 Day Challenge for the rest of the day. What I really wanted to do was crawl into bed and take a nap till tomorrow but I continued to take care of my household and I did not eat the bread of idleness. In fact, the Lord led me to plant some flowers. It was helpful and He had some things to share with me as I worked in the dirt and pruned some plants. I nearly started crying as I dug in the dirt and realized he was speaking to me – the wretched one who blew it big time today. But He did. And He reminded me that He never gives up on me.
Well, it seems that the Lord has a plan in this 40 Day Challenge and He isn’t wasting any time. Day 2, in all its agony, has brought some helpful awareness and a search for a fresh perspective. I can’t bring order, but I can surrender to His Ways and He will bring divine order.
DAY ONE
Wow! It’s amazing what a little bit of structure can do! My kids did their chores and their schoolwork without complaining or arguing. They finished at a decent time and were able to enjoy playing outside together. They fought less.
My prayer time was more focused as was my study time. We kept the house tidy. I made dinner. I ran an errand I have been meaning to run for a few weeks. A lot was accomplished today!
What seemed to really help was having a plan before I went to bed last night, so I knew what needed to be done today. I also made out a reasonable schedule for the kids to follow in getting chores and school work done.
The only thing is, it is almost midnight and I am blogging and very tired. There’s more I wanted to share but I’m pooped and can’t even think of everything. So I might want to pace myself a bit. I also want to point out that the goal is not to accomplish as much as possible in one day. My goal is to maintain an atmosphere and create a culture in my home of peace, focus and diligence. So striving is out of the question.
So those are some thoughts for Day One. Enough for now. I’m going to bed so I can start well tomorrow!
